new things & new knowledge

So my school is strange and I'm having half term this week instead of last week (has this happened for anyone else? UK people). Anyway, I'm glad to say that this year isn't going too badly (for me) at all.

I've been reading SO MUCH, like way more than I did last year which is amazing. Despite this, I haven't finished ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT, since I've just been jumping around between lots of different books (which doesn't make me anxious anymore which is good good good) and I'm happy that I've been spending time feeding my mind with knowledge.

Another thing, anyone have any remedies for ECZEMA?? I want to start putting good things on my skin and in my body (I am now a vegetarian!!!!) and I don't want to use steroid cream from the doctors if I don't have to. I'll do more looking around but any suggestions would be great.

I've also been very inspired lately and I have written a few poems and I'd like to share one with you (please bear with me, as I've only just recently started writing poetry. I've always been more of a novel kind of gal):

conflict
i want to live, i want to die,
i tell you my conflict isn’t a lie.
one day i’ll water my flowers, let them bloom,
come from my mouth.
then i will take away their life line, and rip
them from the ground.
NO HELP LINE, NO LIFE LINE, NO RIGHT WORD, NO NICE RHYME.
writing it down on paper not my heart,
passion burning but drinking water non stop.
i have HOLES in my flesh and
CRACKS in my lips.
but i still sharpen my nails to puncture my skin.
rip out my ribs, throw them away,
then cry that my heart is ruined and stained.
why was i born into a critical mind,
why can i live in ignorance with the truth in front of my eyes.
I seem okay, during the day.
Like I have something real to say.



But then I feel an overwhelmingly heavy feeling of dismay
when I laugh.


I DON’T WANNA TO FEEL THIS WAY


                                                                    

                                                                      i don’t want to feel this way


_____________________



So that is something that I have been working recently. I think that last thing that I would like to share with you all is a haul. I don't think I've ever done one on here but I think it would be nice. So here are some things that I've bought!

*materialismmaterialismmaterialismmaterialismmaterialismmaterialism*

• Vistaprint t shirts (including stories behind them, e.g. malboro is inspo from anajah)








*You may not believe me but I do not smoke. I saw icecreameaterrr with a shirt like this though and I was INSPIRED to design something similar!!!















baby necklace from etsy





And a whole load of books to help figure out my faith lol

a completely new approach


So we are in 2017 and I am very excited for what's to come. I have been thinking a lot about my life, questioning things and just trying to figure out who I am. I know that I've been living a lot for other people (parents, family etc) and that's definitely one of the reasons why I always feel so drained. It's o draining to try and be two people at once and I hate it. I hate it so much, and over the holidays just gone I've been making a lot of promises to myself that hopefully I won't break. So these aren't really 2017 goals, but hopefully goals I'll start in 2017 and continue to the day I die (okay a bit extreme, but they're good habits that I'd like to keep for a very long time).


1. I want to start being more truthful with others and myself.
Whenever someone tells me if I know what I want to do in life, I just shake my head, but the thing is, I do. I'm just afraid that they'll ridicule me. I want to write, make music, and give opportunities to younger artists so they can do the same. So yes I do, know what I want to do with my life actually and pursuing a more creative career shouldn't be shameful or condemned. I also tend to lie to others and myself about my beliefs. I've been struggling a lot with faith and God at the moment and I honestly have no idea where I stand to be honest. It's a self discovery and I know that I need to do it predominantly on my own, since getting advice from people who are already at peace spiritually, or at peace without any spirituality isn't helpful for me. I have found myself lying when I say what I believe, or who I am though, just to keep peace, but that tends to mean that I have created a sort of image that this person now sees me as. I don't like that. I don't want people to think, that I'm a certain way when I'm not. So I need to just be more honest with people, and honest with my own feelings and not be ashamed or scared of just not knowing. It's okay to not know, it is okay to now know, it is okay to not know.



2. I want to take care of myself more, and treat myself.
I don't think I have too much of an issue relaxing (as long as I've completed my to do list ha ha haaaaaasafgsv) but I know that I tend to be really hard on myself. I've been told that I'm hard on myself and I know it too. I guess this ties into the fact with the idea that I need to be more accepting and honest with my own feelings. I (and I know a lot of other people do too) tend to really beat myself up other things that really don't matter (or shouldn't be taken too seriously). We tend to send ourselves into this dark hole and it begins to get quite hard to breathe and it's horrible. It doesn't have to be that way though, so I'm going to try really hard not to do that to myself. That means that I don't have to beat myself up over wanting to understand sexuality, because it is natural. I shouldn't beat myself up about my own, nor should I beat myself up over any sort of feeling that I get that seems to go against something that I have been taught that is an objective wrong. 

I should read books, exercise, not censor my journal, eat whatever I want (try and be healthy but also eat whatever I want), wear what I want, listen to what I want and value myself. Take care of myself, and treat myself the way, and talk to myself the way I'd want some to treat and talk to me.

So recently, to help this, I have also taken joy in indulging in a few material things.




I made a pair of trousers on Boxing Day and I am so happy with the way they turned out. I bought a pair of boots off of ASOS and I do not regret it, and I also ordered a book off of amazon at the start of the holidays and it came just this week and it's excellent. It is called: ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT. I may do a review on it after reading it, I may not, who knows.

3. I want to be shameless in what I do and just share. 
My parents were talking to me about how the internet is such a useful platform for getting ahead and building your future, and I totally agree with that. I'm often scared to share my writing, my music or anything that I've created with anyone because I like things to be perfect and I'm also scared of the reaction. That is so incredibly unhealthy though. How can I grow if I never share anything? So yeah. Share, share, share your art.


I've also found some new music, or gotten into some songs over the holidays

You're Not Good Enough - Blood Orange
Something in the Way - Jorja Smith
Tell Me - Sabrina Claudio
Company - Tinashe
Sock it 2 me - Missy Elliot (DuncanGerow Remix)
Les Peintres - Nimbes
Into You - Ariana Grande (80s remix)


New Youtube channel I found when I was looking at life in Paris, since I have decided to learn French. My accent is terrible but I'll get there: Dawnie Perry

Another thing that I have decided to do is make a style book! Basically I've been collecting images of clothes and outfits that I love and would like to see in my wardrobe from instagram/youtube/tumblr and I'll be printing them out at school and sticking them in a little book. This book will be in my bag everywhere I go (just in case I suddenly decide I want to buy some clothes). The purpose of this, will be that I am constantly inspired, and I also thing that it'll help cut down on buying things I regret. Say I'm debating on buying a long denim coat or not, or a yellow jacket or something completely OUT THERE, I'll look in the book. If that item isn't in there in a picture or I haven't written it down as a note, then I won't buy it. So hopefully that works haha.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this post, and hopefully I'll have more to come soon! All of you are so wonderful and I am so incredibly grateful to have you guys reading my stuff and also being able to read your stuff too. Happy New Year xo